Alright we gotta talk about it.
This unspoken and undiscussed phenomenon that makes itself present in every day of our lives.
Whether we like it or not, it looms over us and we're never told how to cope with it, identify it, or have a relationship with it.
But before we begin- some context.
I am a Type A kinda gal. No scratch that- I am recovering Type A perfectionist which, by definition, means that I have absolutely no chill.
When I was fifteen knew e x a c t l y what I wanted out of life. The small but very well furnished house with white trim and matching shutters. A perfectly manicured lawn and two mid-sized cars; all of which I paid for with my dual degree in pharmaceutical sales and acting (I literally went into college interviews stating, with full confidence, that I would double major in chemistry and theatre because umm hello?? Plan B's people, Plan C's like...you need them). I'd have two perfect tri-lingual kids and a Princeton educated lawyer or politician husband who would defer to me for final word on any and all decisions because hello?? Why wouldn't he?
If my fifteen year old self looked at me now- a meditating, kombucha tea drinking, Bushwick dwelling, anti-capitalist- I think she would actually have a heart attack.
I lived most of my adolescent and adult life thinking that I could control everything. From the people around me and my career trajectory on my timeline to the person I would marry (HA) I needed to control it all. I compartmentalize my life so I could understand it. So I could be certain about everything in my present and my future.
But here I am at 24 and the idea of certainty is a distant fantasy.
I have also never been more happy, hopeful, and at peace in my entire life.
Do I have moments of utter panic at the psychological weight of being alive?? Sure but I'm bumpin' along. I've never bumped along before and it’s wonderful. I'm singing I'm dancing I'm telling jokes, I’m having a g r e a t time.
Okay- I'm bumpin' with intention and direction because absolutely NOT- you must set intentions for your lives fam.
Do not sleep walk through your life. Have specific visions and goals and standards but know that only thing you can truly control in this life is you. The only thing I can ground and center as I walk through life is myself. The good that I sow in my everyday life and how I handle, relate, and respond to the things I experience are entirely up to me.
How dope is that!
It shifts your perspective…doesn’t it.
Which brings me back to this lovely little word uncertainty.
"It's a zen life. Because it's uncertain. And all lives are uncertain but...actors just know it"
- Meryl Streep
I don't know what the future holds. None of us do. Your situation can change in an instant. Sure, I have convictions about my life but I truly do not know what is waiting around the corner for me. Is it terrifying? Uh YES but from where I’m standing, uncertainty is here to stay. So how do we handle it? How can we better relate to and befriend this uncomfortable feeling?
I figured out how to do this yesterday- yes - only yesterday but it clicked:
I will no longer be afraid of truly being alive and present.
I will always say yes to my life.
You gotta just lean into that feeling- that feeling of not knowing and not being sure. I've learned to just say yes to that feeling completely and allow myself to feel whatever comes up. If I want to cry I cry. If I want to scream or laugh or cringe at the uncertainty in my life, I just let myself do it. I allow myself to experience this terrifying thing completely because like being happy, or sad, or joyful, or anxious, this feeling, too, will eventually pass. And maybe what’s behind this feeling is curiosity. Perhaps grounding myself with faith that my future is bright even though I'm not necessarily where I want to be in this moment of my life is how I can nurture and build my friendship with uncertainty.
But who knows.
I guess we'll just have wait to see :)